Making the Most of the New Year

The holidays have come and gone, and for many that leaves feelings of excitement or anxiety for the new year. After all, the ever present pressure for new years resolutions is a familiar feeling. This is the time of year where we are supposed to wake up on January 1st as a whole new person with new habits, boundaries and routines, right?

Not so much. When asked, most people would be able to tell you a story or two about New Years Resolutions that were started and failed. There are even jokes about how busy gyms are in January, but how they empty out by February. These expectations of setting goals to only fall short year after year leaves many of us to watch the transition to the new year pass us by with no big plans to make any significant changes at all.

I like to think that there are still ways to make New Years Resolutions work. If we make a few adjustments to how we design these goals, we may have a better chance of seeing them come to fruition. First, instead of starting with a bang on New Years Day, start with small steps that build towards a larger goal. As an example, if you aren't accustomed to reading books and would like to start, maybe set a goal to read once or twice a week. This allows you a better chance of staying motivated by making the goal more likely to be achieved. Once this new pattern becomes a habit, you can build up from there. This ties in to the next idea, which is being realistic. If you want to cook a home cooked meal every night of the week, but know you are short on time, you may have to compromise a bit. When we set goals that our time, energy or other resources simply don't allow for, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. Plan for a good challenge, but make sure your goal makes sense for you.

Next, be prepared to give yourself a healthy dose of grace if you don't achieve your goal one hundred percent. In fact, I tend to prefer just throwing the extremes (all or nothing) out of the equation. Aim for your best, and if you get all the way there, that's great. If you get most of the way, I'd say that's pretty great, too. This, too, is a reason for celebration. We need to take more time to celebrate our steps towards larger goals. When motivation is waning, its important to give ourselves a pat on the back for the effort we have already made. 

Lastly, remember to be flexible. Goal setting is an important part of working towards overall life satisfaction, but life can be unpredictable and things don't always go as planned. If you have an awesome goal you make great strides towards in January, and then something changes that no longer makes it possible to move forward, its time to pivot. Recognizing when we need to change our path is a skill, but it can help us from staying stagnant. After all, January isn't the only month of the year we can use to set goals for ourselves. Fortunately, there are eleven other months when we can start positive new habits. Good luck!

More Than Just Sad

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once said that every man has his secret sorrows that the world knows not. We all have things that burden us. Work, family, money and health troubles can feel overwhelming at times. While these feelings of sadness may come and go as you continue with your regular day to day lives, depression is something different. It is a deeper sadness that hangs around like a dark cloud despite our best efforts to sweep it away. 

One key difference between sadness and depression is that the latter markedly interferes with our ability to navigate our regular social, occupational or educational responsibilities. We try to keep up, but this overwhelming feeling of sadness mixed with hopelessness and a lack of enjoyment stops us in our tracks. While almost all of us experience sadness off and on throughout our lives, we don't all experience depression and its time we start recognizing the differences.

One common misconception about depression is that everyone can just "snap out of it" with willpower alone. While this would be a nice reality, seeing depression though these rose colored glasses can be a dangerous path. Not only does this viewpoint fail to recognize the severity of the experiences of those suffering from depression, it also sets an unrealistic expectation that individuals with depression can just make it better if they tried hard enough. This can translate to the idea that if they are not feeling better, it's their fault for not having the willpower to work hard enough to dig themselves out. As you would imagine, this sense of failure can easily make depressive symptoms worse and make it harder to find motivation that is commonly lacking as a result of the nature of depression.

So, what can we do to help support a friend or loved one with depression? First of all, let them know you are there for them and that you hear then. This is very different than saying that you understand. Even if you have had similar experiences in the past, we can never truly understand what someone else is going though and claiming that you do has the potential of doing more harm than good. 

Next, listen without judgement. Sometimes when people struggle with depression, there is an identifiable cause. Sometimes, there is not. Remember that emotions are abstract and not everything has to be understandable or well defined to be real. 

Lastly, offer support in their recovery by suggesting professional help. By suggesting, I mean just that. Suggest, don't pressure. The time comes when consulting with a professional may be needed, but being pushed when you are already feeling depressed can make the situation worse.

As we are thankfully moving into a time where mental health is more and more being seen as a vital part of our health in general, let's all do our best to stay educated and learn how to be more supportive to all those around us. Remember as always #StopTheStigma.

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Communicating Feelings 101

Let's face it. We are complicated beings capable of many things. Even so, the human mind is still very much a mystery. What we do know is that our emotions, as intangible as they may seem, are real. We feel joy, fear and confusion. Anger and disappointment. And, of course, sadness.

One thing that complicates mental healthcare in comparison to some other forms of healthcare is that we work with the intangible and the abstract. If you ask five people to explain to you what sadness feels like, it is very likely that you will get five answers that don't quite match up. Thats because we have no truly universal standard for emotions. Unlike our cholesterol, we can't submit to a quick blood draw and get back a relatively standard number that can be used as a primary source for a diagnosis. Emotions can't be quantified so nearly on paper.

Feelings are hard to grasp and harder to explain. How many times has someone asked you, or have you asked yourself, what you are feeling and you can't quite put a word to it. Making matters more difficult, you aren't sure if your meaning of the word you choose is the same as it is for the person you are talking to. This can leave us feeling isolated and misunderstood.

So, how do we go about opening up about our feelings in a way that increases our chances of being understood and validated? Here are a few tips that can help.

1) If you have trouble expressing your feelings to most people, try to find a few that you feel safe with and open up about your struggles with feelings communication. See if they can help you figure out if the road block is feeling misunderstood, feeling unsafe or something else.

2) To start, try to stick with more "basic" feelings words and then go from there. Look up a "Feelings Wheel" or "Emotions Wheel" as a place to build from. Once you are able to identify and communicate the core feeling, you may find is easier to zero in on a feeling that may be more in tune with what you are experiencing.

3) Ask the other person for their understanding of what you are trying to communicate and give feedback if it's not quite right.

4) Find a good time and place to talk if possible. The fewer distractions the better.

5) Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. A lot of times, we feel like expressing our feelings can make us seem weak. Remember that we all feel. Experiencing feelings, and expressing them, doesn't make us anything less than human.

6) Be mindful when expressing feelings that may come across to the other person as hurtful. Use "I" statements to focus on your experience. This often helps the recipient be more receptive to what we have to say.

With some practice, we have fine tune our ability to express our emotions in a healthy way. Don't be afraid to ask for feedback from trusted loved ones. Give feedback, too. Remember, we all want to feel validated and understood and knowing how to best communicate our feelings is a positive step in that direction.

The Therapeutic Value of Nature

Albert Einstein once said that if you look deeply into nature, you will understand everything better. Being in nature can help us to experience something greater than ourselves in a tangible way that is hard to match. Sometimes I find that when I feel overwhelmed by all the things that life drops at my door, recognizing that I’m just a small piece in something greater can help bring perspective that moves me forward. 

Living on the Texas Gulf Coast, I am fortunate to have beaches and parks close to my home where I can spend time in the sunshine. Even living in big cities, opportunities can be found to spend time outside, though it may take a bit of extra planning. After all, the United States boasts a total of 423 national parks to enjoy. 

With all the things on our plates from day to day, finding time to spend in nature can be hard. Just like any other form of self care, it takes active planning to make things happen. Without making a dedicated effort to take time away from life's chaos and enjoy the great outdoors, we tend to put these kinds of goals on the back burner. So, what can we do to increase our chances to following through with a goal to experience nature as self care? Here are some thoughts:

1) Plan ahead. At the start of every month, grab your calendar and do some planning ahead. Try to consider alternative self care plans in case the weather doesn't cooperate.

2) Invite a buddy. Having someone else relying on us to follow through can really help us get moving. Friends, partners and children can benefit from this self care time in nature, too, so why not bring them along!

3) Try to bring nature into your daily life. If you can't spend time outside on a regular basis, consider ways to bring nature to you. Gardening, indoor plants and even following nature sites on social media can help inspire us to make and follow through with nature plans.

While most of us can't spend every day walking in the woods, with a bit of planning and partnership, we can all find small ways to benefit from the therapeutic value of nature.

Help Protect the Teens in Your Life; Teen Dating Violence

Each year in February, the nation is reminded of the continued need to bring attention to a public health concern that often goes unseen. As we enter Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, let’s all take a minute to remember the scope of this problem and the role that each and every one of us has in protecting the teens in our lives.

According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), approximately 1 in 12 teens surveyed reported having experienced physical dating violence and 1 in 12 reported having experienced sexual dating violence. Females and members of the LGBTQ+ community may have rates even higher than the teen population as a whole. What this means is that just under 10% of teens today are survivors of teen dating violence and it’s time for us all to become more aware and educated about the topic and the role we play in fighting those unacceptable statistics.

What to watch out for?

Teen dating violence can come in many forms including physical and sexual violence, emotional abuse and stalking. Some of the wounds may be visible, while others come in the form of emotional harm that is hard to see from the outside.

As a parent or guardian of a teen or just an adult with a teen in their life, it is important to know what you may notice if someone has found themselves in a teen dating violence situation. While the effects of this kind of trauma may look different for everyone, there are some general signs and symptoms that may raise a red flag. The teen may seem more withdrawn and spend less time with others in their social circle than they previously did. They may be more reluctant to answer questions about the individual and may or may not bring them around family. It’s possible that someone might observe signs of physical or sexual violence like cuts, bruises or broken bones. As a result of the emotional toll that these relationships can have, you may see common signs of depression and anxiety like changes in eating and sleeping habits, sadness, crying, excessive worrying and changes in school or work achievement. 

What to do if you suspect a teen in your life is a victim of teen dating violence?

Start by remembering that minor aged teens are given extra protection under the law that serve as safeguards against abuse of all kinds. Each state has laws regarding the abuse of minors and  reporting requirements and everyone should familiarize themselves with those processes. Don’t hesitate to call law enforcement if needed. Remember that in violent and abusive relationships, manipulation is almost always part of the undercurrent that keeps the relationship flowing. This means that addressing your concerns with the teen may be met with anger, denial, embarrassment or fear. Be patient as you discuss your thoughts, feelings and observations. Contact your local domestic violence agency or a local mental health provider for assistance right away. As a guardian, also consider contacting your child’s doctor for additional support. Remind the teen that abuse and violence are never ok. 

Never. Spread the word.

Resources:

WWW.loveisrespect.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

National Centers for Victims of Crime: (NCVC) 1-800-FYI-CALL

National Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474